I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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