Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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