Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
