So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Randomize
