I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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