yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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