I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
