When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
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we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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