I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
