mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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