So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
