you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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