I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
