It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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