The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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