If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I currently don't understand fingers.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
