good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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