As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
