I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
