when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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