besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
