Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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