If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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