Umm I'm too high to move.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
