Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
