is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
