She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
