I skipped work to stalk him.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
