I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
