he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
