looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I will pee on everything he values.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
