So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
