At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
