I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
