Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
