she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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