I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
