So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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