He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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