im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
