I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
