so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
