you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
