Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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