your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
