Cold hands, warm shart.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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