i jhust puked up my retainher.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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