I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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