not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
