You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
