I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
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If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
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She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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