How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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