apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
