his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
