dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
