Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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