i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
