Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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