textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
