i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
