I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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