Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
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A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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